Chapter 1 Conclusion

I do remember once telling a classmate of mine about him. Mostly just that he was incredibly sexy and that I couldn't wait to see him again. I didn't get into details with anyone about him ever. I have always kept this private. Maybe because I think that it is irrational and perhaps bordering a little on crazy. There is that, and there is also that I don't want anyone else to be part of this. It belongs to me. I don't want anyone's advice or two cents or opinion. I don't want anyone to push me in one direction or another, or to hold it over me later in life. I don't want anyone to know this deep dark secret crush that I have. Secrets are never the same once you tell people about them. That is the point of keeping them a secret. I don't think there is anyone in the world that I could ever trust with this knowledge anyway. Ironic that I would share it with the world then, isn't it. I also think that there are very few people who would understand this. I mean perhaps a 15 year old girl might relate, but a grown adult would think that I obviously need professional help and a professional might even agree. For that reason I will keep this to myself.

That isn't to say that no one knew about my crush. People knew. He knew. His coworkers and friends knew. I wasn't suave. I was a teenage girl for God's sake. I had absolutely no cool factor about me which is why I wish I could go back and do it all over again, knowing what I know now about life and people, myself included. I wish I could go back and not be so awkward or obvious or just plain immature. I wish I could just have a simple conversation with him and get to know him as a person and he know me as a regular person and expand on on that. I guess I just wish everything wasn’t just so strange between us. And I don’t even know why it ever was. Both of us were to blame as far as that is concerned. He could have just as easily spoken up and cleared the air instead of acting… well fuck- he acted pretty much in the same manner in which I did, now that I’m thinking back on it all of these years later. And here I thought I was to blame this entire time, but in reality, I’m only partly to blame. Why has it taken me so long to even recognize this? I suppose none of that matters now. All of this happened at least 13 years ago if not longer or it is what I wanted to happen as I have played it out in my mind. Either way we have to live in the reality of the present. Yes, unfortunately I have to come to grips with the fact that my life is not a screenplay and I don’t constantly have a soundtrack playing in the background.

Chapter 1.2

That night I obsessed over Treavor for hours and hours. I asked my mother as many questions about him as I could without her becoming suspicious of my feelings. My mother is pretty ingenuous herself, but she wasn't stupid, she could tell that perhaps I had a crush. Then again, maybe she didn't because for the next few months I had asked her about him every once in a while and she never indicated to me that she knew anything about my thoughts or feelings. I had also tried on several occasions to find an excuse to go back to her office so that I could see him again. This just got me into trouble as my mother couldn't understand why I wanted to go to work with her. She thought I was trying to get out of school for some reason. I have no idea why she would jump to that conclusion since I was very academically minded and had no problem with school. I wouldn't say that I loved to go there because of the childish, pettiness that went on in private school, but as far as schoolwork was concerned, I had no problem completing my assignments and maintaining excellent grades. I'm not entirely why she was so uneasy about my skipping a day of classes, but she became really suspicious of my intentions to the point where she called my school and inquired about --- well I have no idea what she asked them to tell you the truth. She is just strange in that way. My mother has always been and will forever be naive; it is just part of her personality. Some people think that it is quaint; I find it most reprehensible. I mean after all, she is my mother, she should be the one to teach me about life, not the other way around, but I digress, there is nothing that will change her now.

A few months had gone by and quite frankly I had started to forget about him. I had turned sixteen and gotten my driver's license and I was busy with my friends. Plus, by this point there were new boys to obsess about. Of course I never forgot about Treavor, he was always still there in the back of my mind, I had however moved on. That is what we do in life, we move on to what we can accomplish now. That summer when I turned sixteen was probably the best summer of my life. I had no real responsibilities, I had a car that seemed to magically always have gas in it. Of course gas was only 99¢, and even though none of my friends nor I had jobs, we always had extra cash for gas, or cigarettes or beer or movie tickets. So I had plenty of things to do that summer to occupy my mind other than to daydream about Treavor. I also finally had my first kiss that summer too. It was memorable I suppose because who doesn't remember their first real kiss, but not to the extent that it was a lasting relationship or that I was madly in love or anything along those lines. It was a boy named Tom who was a year or maybe a few months younger than me. He was friends with my best friend's boyfriend. We all hung out  over the summer and one night they were making out so rather than sit there and watch them and feel uncomfortable or try to make small talk, we just did the same.

Of course summer had to come to an end, and I had to go back to school. I didn't really keep in touch with any of my friends that I had hung out with over the summer because I went to private school and they went to various public schools in the area. I mean we may have hung out here or there on random weekends, but by this time I had started working and I had volleyball practice after school. And of course this was my junior year so I was starting to think about colleges and stuff like that. Around this time I also became really interested in politics and psychology so I was reading a lot and doing research. I really hadn't thought about Treavor in a long time. At least what felt like a long time in the life of a sixteen year old.

Chapter 1.1

The first indication that he, or anyone for that matter, was even aware of my existence is when I saw him and a friend talking to each other in gestures (somewhat lewd) over the cubicles. I knew they were talking about me because they were both looking in my direction. That is what made me look up actually and catch them in the act. You know when you just have that feeling that someone is talking about you, then you look around and realize people are pointing and staring? Well, that is the feeling I had so I just looked up and saw them. It was funny as a matter of fact, looking up to see both of them looking at me looking at them while both of them looked guilty as hell. I suppose in all honesty they could have been talking about absolutely anything and I was simply being intrusive to their private conversation, but if it was that personal one would think they wouldn't be communicating over the cubicles. So while it is highly likely they were talking about me, I didn't entirely put two and two together at the time. I was young and naive and even though I actually was very attractive, I had absolutely no idea. The thought had honestly never crossed my mind that someone would be interested in dating me (it is much more likely that they were interested in sleeping with me than dating me at their ages). You see, I was fairly innocent when I was 15, which I'm entirely grateful for, but because of some of my simplicity I very well have missed my window completely with Treavor. I mean I was no idiot, but I had never experienced the feelings that I had at that moment. I had crushes in the past but this was the first time I had actually felt such intense attraction.

Here comes the embarrassing part: Later in the day, it was almost time to leave I think, again my mother, her friend and Treavor made their way down to the smoking court with me trailing behind them. At this point I could no longer deny my feelings for this man, but what exactly was I going to do about them? Clearly, nothing; other than make a complete fool of myself. It was cold and snowing pretty hard so for some reason they decided that propping the door open and smoking in the hallway was better than standing outside in the snow. Treavor was asking my mother and her friend Marty which route to take home since the main road that he would normally take to get home was closed due to the ice and snow. They were giving him directions and I have no idea why I was doing this, but it almost felt like an out of body experience. I was standing on the second step directly across from Treavor and this put me directly at the same height as him and I was staring intently into his eyes. I have no idea what I was even looking at. I felt like time was standing still and I was holding my breath and there was just this deep unexplainable connection between our souls at that moment when he caught me staring at him and he held my gaze before I realized what was going on and I looked away and walked toward the window. I pretended to watch the snow falling as I hid my embarrassment which was evident by my scarlet cheeks. I further humiliated myself by mumbling under my breath the correct pronunciation of a landmark my mother gave him as reference for his journey home that evening. It was childish and he caught it and smirked at me. Fifteen is a rough age; even more so when you fall hopelessly in love for the first time.

While I was standing there looking at him, I had this overwhelming urge to kiss him. Mind you I had not yet kissed anyone and I had never had the desire to in the past. I had always been a tomboy and more interested in playing sports and reading books than chasing boys. In the long run, that proved to be a wise choice, but it really wasn't a choice, it was just who I was. Sure, other girls, especially by today's standards would have thrown him up against the wall and shoved their tongue down his throat, but that just wasn't me. I am a hopeless romantic and my vision was sweet and tender, but lustful nonetheless. I wanted to kiss him in that moment more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. However, with my mother and her friend standing right there, I knew better. I even recall saying to myself in my head "you can't kiss him with your mother standing there". Now, that thought makes me laugh.

And while I have no idea how he felt, I think he felt something. There was something in his eyes that told me at that particular moment I was not the only one standing there having ridiculous fantasies. He knew as well as I did though that neither of us would ever act upon our feelings. Plus, I suspect at his age, he knew better than to believe in something as ridiculous as love at first sight. I'm sure he brushed it off as a fleeting notion and me having a schoolgirl crush.

Chapter 1

This is where it all began...

It's February, 1995 and I'm in my English class when an announcement comes over the intercom at school saying that they are dismissing early due to the weather. At this point it is barely snowing, but the sky looks like a white fleece blanket has covered it. Apparently, they are calling for a significant amount of snow and all of the schools are sending kids home early. My mother came and picked me up, but she didn't take me home. She said that she didn't have enough time to take me home, and get back to work especially not in this weather. So I was subjected to spend the day at my mother's insipid office. I was certain I would die of boredom, but I was hell bent on maintaining my coolness factor by pretending to be a brooding, aloof teenager. I had an old book of Edgar Allen Poe's poetry that I carried around with me. I had only ever read a couple of his poems, and quite frankly I didn't understand much at all of what he was writing at that time. That didn't matter though because no one knew if I understood it or not, and I just thought it made me appear to be some sort of intellectual or something. Probably, I convinced a few people that I was far more sophisticated than I actually was at the time. However, what struck most people about me is that I did not look like the average 15 year old. Actually, one of my mother's co-workers thought I was the new temp in their department. I was often mistaken for being much older than I actually was back then. Of course it did help that I was wearing a bright red body hugging angora sweater and a silk Chinese flower print skirt that skimmed my curves in all the right places. It isn't as if I was trying to look sexy or anything, I went to a private school so clothing choices were limited. I was simply wearing my favorite outfit at the time. It isn't my fault that I was tall and well-endowed even at that age.What I thought would be a boring day wasted at my mother's office while all of my friends were home having fun turned out to be something entirely different than what I had expected.

I didn't notice him at first, I think he only worked a partial day or something, therefore was not there when I first arrived to the office and was introduced to everyone. But at one point I looked up from pretending to read my book of poetry and I caught a glimpse of him. My heart literally stopped, then skipped a few beats. I may have even been struggling to breathe. I couldn't tear my gaze away from him, but of course I didn't want to get caught staring like a drooling fool so I got up and walked to the soda machine to admire him from afar. I think I may have consumed about 6 cans of Coke that day all so I could walk past his desk and linger by the vending machines and watch him without him noticing me. Or so I thought. He noticed alright. I'm pretty sure the only person oblivious to the whole scenario was my mother, who is oblivious to most things in the world. That day went by slower than any other day of my life I believe. I'm actually grateful for that fact because I feel like I spent a lifetime with him that day, even though I know it was about 4 short hours.
 
The snow was coming down faster at this point and I doubt most of the adults wanted to be in the office working any more than I wanted to be there watching them work. They took a lot of smoke breaks, of course this was back when smoking wasn't so taboo. I would accompany them outside, at first I don't remember why, perhaps my mom didn't want to leave me alone at her desk or something along those lines. Later, I wanted to go because he was going with them. I didn't want to be too far away from him for very long.

His name is Treavor Corbin. He is 6' tall medium build with longish wavy hair and glasses. He dressed casually, yet appropriate enough for work. He was 19 years old and working part-time while going to college as well. He was almost an exact replica of Johnny Depp in the movie Don Juan DeMarco.

I didn't know anything else about him, but that didn't matter to me, I was infatuated the moment I saw him. That was me though, and typically, the feeling would likely not be mutual, and honestly I have absolutely no idea if it ever was, but part of me thinks on some level if I had "played my cards right" I would have had a completely different destiny. However I didn't exactly act with as much maturity and as I wish I had at the time, and I'm sure he picked up on that.

Prologue

It is like when you are thinking about a person all of the time to the point where it becomes almost obsessive; it is like fuel, that without it you wouldn’t be able to get through your day. But once you act on your fixation it becomes part of reality. It no longer only exists in your mind, but it part of the world. It isn’t just hypothetical anymore, it is actual. And you have convinced yourself that what you have imagined is better than what the reality could be because it protects you from being hurt.  You see, in your fantasy, you can never get hurt because you control every detail and how it will all play out in the end, but in reality, other people have choices and make decisions and the outcome might not be what you want them to be. That is the terrifying part. You risk having your heart broken. At the same time, if you only live within your obsession you can never truly feel anything. Feelings have to be based in reality, not fantasy. I've never been able to take the chance and I'm not at that point now, so I have been lead here.

So you might ask why I started with an explanation of who Dante and Beatrice were. The truth is that I had forgotten about the story of Dante and Beatrice until today when I was searching for some images to include with this blog. I don't know how I could have forgotten this story of unrequited love because it parallels mine in an erie way. Something like what happened to Dante happened to me about 18 years ago and this blog is the story of those encounters and where my mind has taken them.

Just to be clear, I am not crazy, nor do I think Dante was crazy. Dante fell in love at first sight and he just knew that Beatrice was his true love no matter where their lives took them. Dante of course didn't actually have an opportunity to fall in love with Beatrice the way in which we do today. He didn't even say more than a few words to her on the two short occasions that he encountered her. So everything about Beatrice from Dante's perspective comes from his imagination. Sometimes my imagination runs away and creates story lines as well. I am well aware that my fantasies are just that and will never become reality. I don't know if I would even want them to become a reality anyway. For Dante it was lust at first sight and I feel the same way about the person of my admiration, however the cosmos played a part in both situations which made both Dante and I feel like there is some other deeper connection. I can empathize with Dante because I too have created a life in my mind with my unrequited love.

I'm not writing this because I am unhappy with my current life. On the contrary actually, I'm quite content with my life, however right now I have a lot of extra time on my hands and I have wanted to share my story for a while now. Lately, I have been dreaming of my unrequited love and thinking of him more often, perhaps as a way to escape my reality just for a little while. That does not mean that I don't want to be where I am now and who I am and living my current life. I just sometimes think: "what could have been?" I wish I could spend my day dreaming of scenarios  of where we meet, fall in love and live happily ever after, but I never get very far with my storyline so I thought I would try to work it out by writing. This way, I have to follow some sort of logical train of thought. I know that the grass is not always greener on the other side so I am not seeking to do anything that could change my life, I'm just writing from my imagination, much like Dante did.

With that said, I feel like we have a connection that is deeper than my fixation. A synchronicity, serendipity, kismet, fate, etc. I feel like we are supposed to be together in each life and we have known each other in past lives, whether as friends or acquaintances or more. I feel a gravitational pull toward this person. Whatever it is, it is my drug.