Prologue

It is like when you are thinking about a person all of the time to the point where it becomes almost obsessive; it is like fuel, that without it you wouldn’t be able to get through your day. But once you act on your fixation it becomes part of reality. It no longer only exists in your mind, but it part of the world. It isn’t just hypothetical anymore, it is actual. And you have convinced yourself that what you have imagined is better than what the reality could be because it protects you from being hurt.  You see, in your fantasy, you can never get hurt because you control every detail and how it will all play out in the end, but in reality, other people have choices and make decisions and the outcome might not be what you want them to be. That is the terrifying part. You risk having your heart broken. At the same time, if you only live within your obsession you can never truly feel anything. Feelings have to be based in reality, not fantasy. I've never been able to take the chance and I'm not at that point now, so I have been lead here.

So you might ask why I started with an explanation of who Dante and Beatrice were. The truth is that I had forgotten about the story of Dante and Beatrice until today when I was searching for some images to include with this blog. I don't know how I could have forgotten this story of unrequited love because it parallels mine in an erie way. Something like what happened to Dante happened to me about 18 years ago and this blog is the story of those encounters and where my mind has taken them.

Just to be clear, I am not crazy, nor do I think Dante was crazy. Dante fell in love at first sight and he just knew that Beatrice was his true love no matter where their lives took them. Dante of course didn't actually have an opportunity to fall in love with Beatrice the way in which we do today. He didn't even say more than a few words to her on the two short occasions that he encountered her. So everything about Beatrice from Dante's perspective comes from his imagination. Sometimes my imagination runs away and creates story lines as well. I am well aware that my fantasies are just that and will never become reality. I don't know if I would even want them to become a reality anyway. For Dante it was lust at first sight and I feel the same way about the person of my admiration, however the cosmos played a part in both situations which made both Dante and I feel like there is some other deeper connection. I can empathize with Dante because I too have created a life in my mind with my unrequited love.

I'm not writing this because I am unhappy with my current life. On the contrary actually, I'm quite content with my life, however right now I have a lot of extra time on my hands and I have wanted to share my story for a while now. Lately, I have been dreaming of my unrequited love and thinking of him more often, perhaps as a way to escape my reality just for a little while. That does not mean that I don't want to be where I am now and who I am and living my current life. I just sometimes think: "what could have been?" I wish I could spend my day dreaming of scenarios  of where we meet, fall in love and live happily ever after, but I never get very far with my storyline so I thought I would try to work it out by writing. This way, I have to follow some sort of logical train of thought. I know that the grass is not always greener on the other side so I am not seeking to do anything that could change my life, I'm just writing from my imagination, much like Dante did.

With that said, I feel like we have a connection that is deeper than my fixation. A synchronicity, serendipity, kismet, fate, etc. I feel like we are supposed to be together in each life and we have known each other in past lives, whether as friends or acquaintances or more. I feel a gravitational pull toward this person. Whatever it is, it is my drug.