Chapter 1.1

The first indication that he, or anyone for that matter, was even aware of my existence is when I saw him and a friend talking to each other in gestures (somewhat lewd) over the cubicles. I knew they were talking about me because they were both looking in my direction. That is what made me look up actually and catch them in the act. You know when you just have that feeling that someone is talking about you, then you look around and realize people are pointing and staring? Well, that is the feeling I had so I just looked up and saw them. It was funny as a matter of fact, looking up to see both of them looking at me looking at them while both of them looked guilty as hell. I suppose in all honesty they could have been talking about absolutely anything and I was simply being intrusive to their private conversation, but if it was that personal one would think they wouldn't be communicating over the cubicles. So while it is highly likely they were talking about me, I didn't entirely put two and two together at the time. I was young and naive and even though I actually was very attractive, I had absolutely no idea. The thought had honestly never crossed my mind that someone would be interested in dating me (it is much more likely that they were interested in sleeping with me than dating me at their ages). You see, I was fairly innocent when I was 15, which I'm entirely grateful for, but because of some of my simplicity I very well have missed my window completely with Treavor. I mean I was no idiot, but I had never experienced the feelings that I had at that moment. I had crushes in the past but this was the first time I had actually felt such intense attraction.

Here comes the embarrassing part: Later in the day, it was almost time to leave I think, again my mother, her friend and Treavor made their way down to the smoking court with me trailing behind them. At this point I could no longer deny my feelings for this man, but what exactly was I going to do about them? Clearly, nothing; other than make a complete fool of myself. It was cold and snowing pretty hard so for some reason they decided that propping the door open and smoking in the hallway was better than standing outside in the snow. Treavor was asking my mother and her friend Marty which route to take home since the main road that he would normally take to get home was closed due to the ice and snow. They were giving him directions and I have no idea why I was doing this, but it almost felt like an out of body experience. I was standing on the second step directly across from Treavor and this put me directly at the same height as him and I was staring intently into his eyes. I have no idea what I was even looking at. I felt like time was standing still and I was holding my breath and there was just this deep unexplainable connection between our souls at that moment when he caught me staring at him and he held my gaze before I realized what was going on and I looked away and walked toward the window. I pretended to watch the snow falling as I hid my embarrassment which was evident by my scarlet cheeks. I further humiliated myself by mumbling under my breath the correct pronunciation of a landmark my mother gave him as reference for his journey home that evening. It was childish and he caught it and smirked at me. Fifteen is a rough age; even more so when you fall hopelessly in love for the first time.

While I was standing there looking at him, I had this overwhelming urge to kiss him. Mind you I had not yet kissed anyone and I had never had the desire to in the past. I had always been a tomboy and more interested in playing sports and reading books than chasing boys. In the long run, that proved to be a wise choice, but it really wasn't a choice, it was just who I was. Sure, other girls, especially by today's standards would have thrown him up against the wall and shoved their tongue down his throat, but that just wasn't me. I am a hopeless romantic and my vision was sweet and tender, but lustful nonetheless. I wanted to kiss him in that moment more than I have ever wanted anything in my life. However, with my mother and her friend standing right there, I knew better. I even recall saying to myself in my head "you can't kiss him with your mother standing there". Now, that thought makes me laugh.

And while I have no idea how he felt, I think he felt something. There was something in his eyes that told me at that particular moment I was not the only one standing there having ridiculous fantasies. He knew as well as I did though that neither of us would ever act upon our feelings. Plus, I suspect at his age, he knew better than to believe in something as ridiculous as love at first sight. I'm sure he brushed it off as a fleeting notion and me having a schoolgirl crush.