Chapter 1 Conclusion

I do remember once telling a classmate of mine about him. Mostly just that he was incredibly sexy and that I couldn't wait to see him again. I didn't get into details with anyone about him ever. I have always kept this private. Maybe because I think that it is irrational and perhaps bordering a little on crazy. There is that, and there is also that I don't want anyone else to be part of this. It belongs to me. I don't want anyone's advice or two cents or opinion. I don't want anyone to push me in one direction or another, or to hold it over me later in life. I don't want anyone to know this deep dark secret crush that I have. Secrets are never the same once you tell people about them. That is the point of keeping them a secret. I don't think there is anyone in the world that I could ever trust with this knowledge anyway. Ironic that I would share it with the world then, isn't it. I also think that there are very few people who would understand this. I mean perhaps a 15 year old girl might relate, but a grown adult would think that I obviously need professional help and a professional might even agree. For that reason I will keep this to myself.

That isn't to say that no one knew about my crush. People knew. He knew. His coworkers and friends knew. I wasn't suave. I was a teenage girl for God's sake. I had absolutely no cool factor about me which is why I wish I could go back and do it all over again, knowing what I know now about life and people, myself included. I wish I could go back and not be so awkward or obvious or just plain immature. I wish I could just have a simple conversation with him and get to know him as a person and he know me as a regular person and expand on on that. I guess I just wish everything wasn’t just so strange between us. And I don’t even know why it ever was. Both of us were to blame as far as that is concerned. He could have just as easily spoken up and cleared the air instead of acting… well fuck- he acted pretty much in the same manner in which I did, now that I’m thinking back on it all of these years later. And here I thought I was to blame this entire time, but in reality, I’m only partly to blame. Why has it taken me so long to even recognize this? I suppose none of that matters now. All of this happened at least 13 years ago if not longer or it is what I wanted to happen as I have played it out in my mind. Either way we have to live in the reality of the present. Yes, unfortunately I have to come to grips with the fact that my life is not a screenplay and I don’t constantly have a soundtrack playing in the background.